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 Random Jokes : By Max

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Steve™
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Number of posts : 2447
Home : At Home
Humor : If Im Not Back Later... Wait Longer
Registration date : 2007-07-30

PostSubject: Random Jokes : By Max   Sat Mar 26, 2011 6:51 am

Code:
<config>

<command type="random">
<in>!joke</in>
<out type="self">!joke1</out>
<out type="self">!joke2</out>
<out type="self">!joke3</out>
<out type="self">!joke4</out>
<out type="self">!joke5</out>
<out type="self">!joke6</out>
<out type="self">!joke7</out>
<out type="self">!joke8</out>
<out type="self">!joke9</out>
<out type="self">!joke10</out>
<out type="self">!joke11</out>
<out type="self">!joke12</out>
<out type="self">!joke13</out>
<out type="self">!joke14</out>
<out type="self">!joke15</out>
<out type="self">!joke16</out>
<out type="self">!joke17</out>
<out type="self">!joke18</out>
<out type="self">!joke19</out>
<out type="self">!joke20</out>
<out type="self">!joke21</out>
<out type="self">!joke22</out>
<out type="self">!joke23</out>
<out type="self">!joke24</out>
<out type="self">!joke25</out>
<out type="self">!joke26</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke1</in>
<out>#c66# A woman was in a card shop, but couldn't find what she wanted</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# A member of staff asked, #c62# "May I help you?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The woman replied, #c62# "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke2</in>
<out>#c66# A burglar breaks into a house, #c66# as he takes a CD player, he hears a voice</out>
<out delay="3000">#c62# "Jesus is watching you"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He looks around with his flashlight wandering who said that and takes some money off the table</out>
<out delay="3000">#c62# "Jesus is watching you"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He spots a birdcage with the name plate Moses on and a parrot in it, #c62# "Was that you?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c52# The parrot said #c62# "Yes"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The burglar says #c62# "What kind of person names his bird Moses?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c52# The parrot replied #c62# "The same person that named his #c62# ROTWEILER #c62# "Jesus"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke3</in>
<out>#c66# A man went in to a sex shop complaing about a blow-up doll</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He said, #c62# "It's bald, #c62# flat chested #c62#and has a 10 inch errection"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The shop owner said, #c62# "It's Inside Out"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke4</in>
<out>#c66# A boy takes his girlfriend home, #c66# when they reach her front door, #c66# he asks for a blowjob</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She said, #c62# "What? You're crazy!"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He asked again and again, #c66# And each time she said, #c62# "No!"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Just then, the girl's younger sister opens the door</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She said, #c62# "Dad says either you have to blow him, #c62# or I have to blow him"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Then said loudly, #c62# "but for God's sake, tell him to take his Hand Off the INTERCOM!"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke5</in>
<out>#c66# A woman says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Her husband tells her, #c62# "Hey, you don't need surgery. #c62# I know how to do it without surgery"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She asks, #c62# "How do I do it without surgery?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He explains, #c62# "Just rub toilet paper between them"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Startled she asks, #c62# "How does that make them bigger?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He replied, #c62# "I don't know, #c62# but it worked for your arse"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke6</in>
<out>#c66# As a woman in a Persian Rug shop feels the texture of a rug, #c66# she farts loudly</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# A salesman said, #c62# "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Very uncomfortably she asks, #c62# "How much does this rug cost?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He answers, #c62# "Lady if you farted just by touching it"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Then he continued, #c62# "you're gonna shit yourself when i tell you the price"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke7</in>
<out>#c66# An angry wife said to her husband, #c62# "Just who the hell is Marylou?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He replied, #c62# "Remember last week when I was at the dog track?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He continued, #c62# "That was the name of the dog I won the bet on"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She responded, #c62# "Well, #c62# Your dog called last night"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke8</in>
<out>#c66# A wife married for 30 years, #c66# notices a box she has never looked inside before</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and £1,000</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He explains #c62# "Every time I was unfaithful to you, #c62# I put a golf ball in the box"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks #c62# "But what about the £1,000?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He replied #c62# "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, #c62# I sold them"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke9</in>
<out>#c66# A man and his son was walking along and see a dead animal on its back with its legs in the air</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Dad looked at his son and said, #c62# "He went up to heaven son"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The boy said, #c62# "We almost lost mum to heaven yesterday"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He then said, #c62# "She was on her back with her legs in the air screamimg #c62# "God im cumming"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Dad said, #c62# "What??"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The boy continued, #c62# "But it was ok, #c62# the milkman was ontop of her holding her down"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke10</in>
<out>#c66# A stunning looking woman walks into a doctors office</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He tells her to take her clothes, she does, and he starts touching her breasts and thighs</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Doctor Asked #c62# "Do you know what I am doing?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She replied #c62# "Yes, #c62# checking for abnormalities"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Finally, he lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Doctor says to her, #c62# "Do you know what I am doing now?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She replies, #c62# "Yes, #c62# your getting herpies, #c62# thats why I am here!"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke11</in>
<out>#c66# A boy is woken up by sounds coming from his parents' bedroom #c66# so he peeps in</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Next day he says, #c62# "Mum, #c62# why was you was bouncing up and down on dad?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# His mum replied, #c62# "Because he's fat, #c62# I bounce on his stomach to make him thin"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The boy said, #c62# "That won't work"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# His mum asked, #c62# "Why not?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The boy replies, #c62# "Because the lady next door comes round and blows him back up!"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke12</in>
<out>#c66# Police officer on a horse saw a girl on a bike</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Officer said, #c62# "You get that from Santa?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Girl replied, #c62# "Yes"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The officer finned her £10 and said, #c62# "Tell Santa it should have a reflector light on it"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Girl said, #c62# "Thats a nice horse, #c62# did you get it from Santa?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Officer replied, #c62# "Yes, #c62# why?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Girl said, #c62# "Well tell Santa the fucking dick goes under the horse, #c62# not ON it"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke13</in>
<out>#c66# A man got fired after he had worked twenty years in a pickle factory</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The wife said, #c62# "Why did they fire you?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He replied #c62# " Because i stuck my dick in the pickle slicer!"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The wife pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She said. #c62# "You look okay, #c62# so what happened to the pickle slicer?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He replied, #c62# "Well, #c62# they fired her too"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke14</in>
<out>#c66# A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. #c66# A young nurse appears</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He mumbled from behind the mask, #c62# "Nurse? #c62# Are my testicles black?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The nurse replies, #c62# "I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He struggles again to ask, #c62# "Nurse, #c62# please, #c62# are my testicles black?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# So the nurse holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# And then says, #c62# "There's nothing wrong with them!"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Finally, he pulls off the oxygen mask, #c62# "Thats very nice but, #c62# are... my... test... results... back?"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke15</in>
<out>#c66# A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He said, #c62# "I'm sorry! #c62# But if your heart is as soft as your tit, #c62# you'll forgive me"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She replied, #c62# "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, #c62# I'm staying in room 113"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke16</in>
<out>#c66# A man walks into his doctor's with two black eyes</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Doctor asked, #c62# "What happened to you?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The man replied, #c62# "We was playing golfing and the wife hit the ball into a cow field"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He contined, #c62# "When we went to look, I saw the ball in a cow's arse"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Doctor looked puzzled and asked, #c62# "The cow kicked you?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The man replied, #c62# "No, #c62# i said to her, #c62# Hey this looks like yours"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke17</in>
<out>#c66# A police officer pulls a man over for speeding, #c62# "Do you know why I stopped you?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The driver said, #c62# ""Yes, officer... i was speeding, #c62# but it is a matter of life or death"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Poliice Officer said, #c62# "Oh, really? #c62# How's that?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He replied, #c62# "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The officer said, #c62# "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Driver replied, #c62# "If I don't get home before my wife does, #c62# I'm a dead man"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke18</in>
<out>#c66# A man on holiday in Spain goes to a restaurant and orders the house special</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He is brought a plate of veg and two large meaty objects, he asks, #c62# "What's this?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The waiter replies. #c62# "Cojones Senor, #c62# they are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena today"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He enjoyed them so much, he decides to come back the next night and order it again</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# This time he asked the waiter, #c62# "Why was they so small today?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Waiter explains, #c62# "Senor, #c62# sometimes the bull wins"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke19</in>
<out>#c66# A couple need some money, so he sent his wife out to be a prostitute for a day</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# At the end of the day he asked, #c62#"So, how much have you earned today?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She replies, #c62# "I've made one hundred pounds and fifty pence"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The husband responded, #c62# "who gave you fifty pence?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She said, #c62# "All of them, of course!"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke20</in>
<out>#c66# A woman left her lover on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He asked, #c62# "Who was it?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She replied, #c62# "My husband"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He said, #c62# "I better get going, #c62# where was he?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She responded, #c62# "Relax. #c62# He's downtown playing poker with you"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke21</in>
<out>#c66# A man went to an exclusive clinic</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The doctor said, #c62# "We have 3 plans, #c62# Executive, #c62# Standard and #c62# Budget plans"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Man aksed, #c62# "What's the difference?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The doctor replied, #c62# "Eecutive plan costs £1000 and is a blowjob by a nurse"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He contuined, #c62# "Standard plan costs £800 and is a handjob by a nurse"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Man quickly asked, #c62# "And the Budget?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The doctor replied, #c62# "Buget costs £100 and is the 'do it yourself' plan"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke22</in>
<out>#c66# A man comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger shagging his wife</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He yells, #c62# "What the hell are you two doing?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The wife turns to the stranger and says, #c62# "See, #c62# i told you he was stupid"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke23</in>
<out>#c66# A doctor and his wife had a big argument at breakfast</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# On his way out the door to work he said, #c62# "You aren't so good in bed either!"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# By mid morning, he decided he'd better called home and say sorry</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He said, #c62# "What took you so long to answer?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She replied, #c62# "I was in bed"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He asked, #c62# "What were you doing in bed this late?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She replied, #c62# "Getting a second opinion"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke24</in>
<out>#c66# A man runs into a pub asks for 6 glass of whiskey, one after another, from the landlord</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Six glasses later the landlord said, #c62# "That's one hell of a thirst you've got"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The man says, #c62# "Well i just had sex with the woman in my car, #c62# she's insatiable and wants more"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Landlord said, #c62# "Tell you what, #c62# you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# So the landlord gets in the car.  It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Five minutes later there's a knock on the window,  a policeman shines his tourch on the naked couple</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The Officer said, #c62# "What's going on here?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Landlord replies, #c62# "It's all right, officer, #c62# she's my wife"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# The officer replies apologetically, #c62#"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Landlord says, #c62# "Neither did I till you switched on that damned tourch"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke25</in>
<out>#c66# A man marries a virgin, #c66# on their wedding night as they get undressed</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# He points to his dick and said to his new wife, #c62# "This is a cock"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Then he asked, #c62# "want to suck it for a while?"</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# She replied, #c62# "Thant's not a cock, #c62# a cock is 12 inches long"</out>
</command>

<command type="script">
<in users="_BOT_SELF_TRIGGER_">!joke26</in>
<out>#c66# Who is Jack Shit?</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Well, Jack Shit is the son of Awe Shit who married O Shit. In turn Jack Shit married Noe Shit</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# They had 6 children: Holie Shit, Giva Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, Jack and Noe shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Sherlock</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Lota Shit and had Chicken Shit</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Fulla Shit n Giva Shit married the Happens brothers in a double wedding, everyone was invited to the Shit-Happens wedding</out>
<out delay="3000">#c66# Bull Shit traveled the world and returned with an italian bride, Pisa Shit!</out>
</command>

</config>



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